Lord Sean was born in the north of Yorkshire

where he lived in an ancient old hall.

He went on tours and fought in wars

and the hall was full of ornaments.

Lord Sean was tall with a big square jaw.

When he spoke, he roared.

When he slept, he snored

and his breath was always awful.

He ate raw pork and thousands of prawns

with his fingers, not with a knife and fork.

He fought in the wars with his terrible sword

on a black and frightening horse.

Sean sailed abroad to the wars in Norway

but was caught in a terrible storm.

Sean and his horse were safe, of course.

They swam all the way to Oporto.

So when they got to the shore, Lord Sean swore,

“No more war, no more glory. It’s boring.

War isn’t normal. War is gory.”

and so began a whole new story.

One morning without warning,

Sean saw a girl fetching water.

and she wore a Spanish shawl.

Soon they were married with joy and laughter.

They, the horse and four gorgeous daughters

all lived happily ever after.

The fish round the pier

lived in fear

of Ian, a great big eel.

One day a grey seal

caught Ian the eel

and enjoyed a tasty meal.

The fish said, “Unreal!

Now our lives are ideal.

Thanks, Mr Seal and cheers!”

Arthur and Marge were security guards

in a large safari park.

They had a big car with metal bars

and looked after zebras and giraffes.

They called the vets when there were calves

and locked the gates when it was dark.

Under the stars, the wild dogs barked

and the hyenas laughed and laughed.

They loved their jobs with all their hearts

and they loved all the animals too.

It was Thursday, August the first.

A bird was perched on a branch and chirped

and a rich man swirled his brandy and burped

and said, “This drink is quite superb.”

His name was Sir Bert and he was thirty something.

He was the Third Earl of Woolworth or somewhere.

Sir Berty was fat and always thirsty.

His shirt and tie were always dirty

and his underwear always thermal.

Despite a purse filled to bursting

Sir Berty was quite absurd.

His wife was Lady Bertha

and she was a lovely person.

Bertha was a children’s nurse

for global worldwide concerns.

helping boys and girls

and fighting germs wherever they were

in international emergencies.

Lady Bertha loved her work

much more than she loved

her Sir Berty ;).

A lazy lout

He lived in town

on the couch in the lounge.

He was a grouch

One day the lout

and lived happily ever after.

“This looks good,” said the cook,

So the cook pulled up his woolly hood

When Claire despairs,

She sits on a chair,

She decides to wear

and meet her friends for dinner.

Our little daughter gets really annoyed

“Oi! Give it back. You little brat.

Our Daddy enjoys

a night out with the boys

but next day

he’s really destroyed.

You can bake them in foil